Dan Patrick as "Dirty Mary"
Nihad Awad as Captain Dagg
JoeWallack as the Street Pagan
Donald Sutherland as "Shades"
Special guest appearance by Yeshua courtesy of Warning Brothers
Sunglasses generously provided by the Swiss Banking Association
Holocaust Survivors Reparations Fund.
Jointly presented by the National Association of Sunday Schools
and Judas Ford Dealership, where our motto is "The Customer Is
Always Righteous" and the guaranteed lowest prices in Heaven,
Earth or Hell, starting at just thirty pieces of silver.
Narrator: The Streets of Babylon are filled with the cowardly,
unbelieving, vile, murderous, sexually immoral, magicians,
idolaters, liars and Methodists. Whenever there's a dirty little job
to do, one man is called upon to set things right. That man, whose
name is Immanuel, is named Dirty Mary.
Dirty Mary : (Showing up at the Captain's office) You called me?
Captain Dagg : Depravity is natural to man; it is born with him, and
not acquired in the progress of life. It is not to be ascribed to
evil habit, or evil example. Evil habits are formed by evil doing;
and evil doing would not be, if there were no evil propensity. Evil
example would not everywhere exist, if human nature were not
everywhere corrupt; and the tendency to follow evil example would not
be so common, and so much to be guarded against, if it were not
natural to man. The Scriptures clearly teach this doctrine. "Behold,
I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me."
The psalmist did not mean to charge his mother with crime in these
his humble confessions, but manifestly designs them to be an
acknowledgment that his depravity was in-woven in his nature,
and bore date from the very origin of his being. The Saviour taught,
that which is born of the flesh, is flesh. The term flesh, which
is here opposed to spirit, signifies, as it does in other places, our
depraved nature. It traces human depravity up to our very birth.
Dirty Mary : So?
Captain Dagg : In concluding this brief inquiry into the origin of
the Bible, we may admire and adore the wonderful providence of God,
which has made his enemies the preservers and witnesses of his
revelation. The Jews, who killed the prophets and crucified the Son
of God himself, have preserved and transmitted the Scriptures of the
Old Testament, and are now witnesses to the world of its divine
origin, and the truth of its prophecies. The Roman Catholic Church,
the great Antichrist, or man of sin, drunk with the blood of
the saints, has transmitted to us the Scriptures of the New
Testament, and now gives, in the same two-fold manner, its testimony
to this part of the Sacred Volume.
Dirty Mary : I see. (Goes to office, turns on computer and starts
cruising the message boards. Sees following message: "Dear Christian
friend, my Hebrew/English dictionary translates "almah" as "young
women". Of course, it is a 1997 dictionary so it could be out of date
and one of my fellow congregates at Temple Beth I Hear You Calling
owns stock in the publishing company so there could be some bias in
favor of the Jews. Anyway, this is all just my opinion, I could be
wrong. Sincerely, JoeWallack."
Dirty Mary flies off into a rage determined to find JoeWallack and
bring him to justice for his blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.)
Collage of Dirty Mary combing the streets trying to find JoeWallack.
New Orleans - knocks on door of "Just Sleezing Through Motel". Shows
post to Jimmy Swaggert. Swaggert shakes his head "no".
Airplane - sits down next to Reverend Schuler who is bound and gagged.
Shows post and removes gag. Schuler shrieks at the top of his
lungs, "I want a soufflé!!!". Covers ears and puts gag back on
Rome - ushered into small, dark backroom of Vatican where Pope is
playing poker with some Bishops. Shows post to Pope who
takes a quick glance, gives an even quicker "no" shake and
looks at hand which contains three kings (all hearts). Puts
hand in pocket which comes up empty. Takes off crucifix
around neck and throws it into pot.
A dejected Dirty Mary walks back to office when he notices that Temple
Beth I Hear You Calling is located next door to his office building.
Further, he sees a young man walking out holding a prayer book in one
hand and "Groucho" glasses in the other.
Dirty Mary : (With menacing sneer). You JoeWallack? (JoeWallack
freezes, then puts on Groucho glasses and tries to get away. Dirty
Mary closes the distance like O.J. Simpson during a "blackout" while
JoeWallack takes two steps and then trips over his own feet. Dirty
Mary takes out large Bible, cocks it in arm and aims it threateningly
at JoeWallack's head.) I know what yer thinking Pagan. Just how many
gods are there in Christianity, five or six? There's the Father, the
Son, the Holy Spirit, Satan, the Counselor and if Jesus died but was
resurrected and will return, should he be counted twice? To tell you
the truth I kind of lost track myself during two thousand years of
theological excitement, changes inspired by the Holy Spirit and
redactions. But seeing as Christianity is the most powerful religion
in the world and will blow your soul clean off if I'm right and
you're wrong, you have to ask yourself one question. "Do I feel
lucky?". WELL PAGAN, DO YA?! (Moves Bible closer to JoeWallack's head
with increasingly menacing sneer.)
JoeWallack : Okay, okay, don't throw the book at me. I accept Jesus as
my personal lord and savior. (Dirty Mary slowly turns and starts to
stoically walk away.) Wait a minute. I gots to know. Which version of
the Bible is that?
Dirty Mary: (sneer on face gradually changes to a grin). KJV, 1954. It
has so many mistranslations even I don't use it anymore, but I was in
a hurry this morning and it was all I could find on the way out.
(Throws Bible into nearby dumpster and starts whistling to self).