The William Of Oz

The William Of Oz

Starring:
Madelein Albright as Dorothy
Richard Rubin as the Scarecrow
William Cohen as the Lion
Alan Greenspan as the Tin Man
and
Bill Clinton as the Wizard
Special guest appearance by Leona Helmsley as the Good Witch Of
The North.
Bill Clinton wardrobe provided by Hyundi Motors, Ltd.

Story background :

Three new cabinet members who are all (unbeknownst
to them) searching for the same thing begin their journey to Washington
to start their new careers.

Albright :

How will we ever find our way to Washington?

Rubin :

Look, there are some twenty dollar bills over there.

Cohen :

And off in the distance, I think I see some small unmarked bills.

Albright :

(Cupping her hand over her eyes)

And way over yonder, I think I see
some stock certificates for the Indonesian National Oil Company.

Albright
(As she scoops up the twentys)

Follow the fund raising trail!

Rubin :
(As he scoops up the small unmarked bills)

Follow the fundraising trail!

All :

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the fundraising trail!

As our heroes make their way to Washington they all begin singing:

"We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful William of Oz,
If ever there was a Wizard of Oz, the William of Oz is the one,
Despite the scandals, coverups and screwups,
his approval rating keeps going up and up,
Because, because, because, because, because,
because of the wonderful things he says,
Ha ha ha ha!
We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful William of Oz."

Albright :
What is that white stuff falling from the sky? Is it snow?

Rubin :
It's not melting. Maybe its Manna.

Cohen :
No, look, (grabs one out of the air) they're faxes. It's from
Clinton. All of the information that we need for our cabinet
positions. They must have dropped them from Air Force 1.

Everyone gathers up all the faxes as they continue to follow the fund raising trail.

Albright : (Reading through the faxes)
There's hardly anything here about
diplomacy, it just talks about how to handle lobbyists.

Rubin :
I don't see anything about fiscal policy, only what to say to
taxpayers.

Cohen :
There's absolutely nothing here about defense needs, only a
budget.

As the new cabinet members make their way through the Enchanted
Press Forest they begin chanting:

Lobbyists and taxpayers and budgets, oh my!
Lobbyists and taxpayers and budgets, oh my!
Lobbyists and taxpayers and budgets, oh my!

Finally, they arrive at the Emerald White House and meet the President.

Albright :
Mr. President, I just want to tell you what an honor it is for me
and my friends here to be serving in your my cabinet.

Bubba :
Excuse me everyone. Mr. President, Boris Yeltson is on Line 1.

Clinton :
What does he want, another loan?

Bubba :
No sir. He wants you to grant the McDonalds in Moscow a
liquor license.

Clinton :
Tell him I'll call him back.

Bubba :
Yes Mr. President.

Albright :
Mr. President, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. I
want to be Jewish again. Can you send me to Israel first?

Clinton :
Are you crazy? You're already scheduled to go to Cairo,
Amman and Damascus next year. After your little surprise
revelation, how am I suppose to make it up to the Arabs,
appoint Yassir Arafat to the Supreme Court. (Scratches his
chin and arches his eyebrow) Hmmm, I wonder what Arafat
thinks about sitting Presidents being sued? Bubba, make a
note to call Arafat.

Bubba :
Yes Mr. President. Mr. President, Fidel Castro is on Line 2,
he says he wants to talk peace.

Clinton :
Tell him to call me back in thirty years.

Bubba :
Yes Mr. President.

Clinton :
Now listen up everyone. Ya'll being here is my favor to you.
So now it's payback time. Go out into the world and make me
look good.

Bubba :
Mr. President, Buffy is on line 1.

Clinton :
I'll take it on the secure line in the bomb shelter. Now get
going everyone.

Albright is outside the Emerald White House crying and being consoled
by Rubin and Cohen.

Albright :
I'll never get to be Jewish again.

Suddenly, there is a large puff of smoke accompanied by the distinct smell
of Matzoh Ball soup. Appearing out of nowhere is a middle aged women
dressed in standard fairy godmother attire except for the apron and fuzzy slippers.

Albright :
Who are you?

Helmsley :
I'm the Good Witch Of The North.

Albright :
The Good Witch Of North? You look like Golda Meir.

Helmsley :
And you look like Claudia Schiffer? Listen, I'm right in the
middle of an intense scrabble game with the Wicked Witch
Of The West. I'm about to lay down "quixotic" with the x
on triple word score, so let's make this quick. What do you
want?

Albright :
I want to be Jewish again. Purim's coming. I want to dress
up as Esther, bake Hamentashens and take a ritual Mikvah.

Helmsley :
Would you settle for two out of three?

Rubin :

I want to be Jewish again too.

Cohen :
Me too.

Albright :
We all want to be Jewish again, but we've forgotten how.

Helmsley :
You have all forgotten how to be Jewish, but Judaism has
not forgotten you. It still lives in your hearts and your deeds.
Just close your eyes, put your hands on your hearts and say
three times, "there's no place like homeland, there's no
place like homeland, there's no place like homeland."