Friday, July 21, 2017

The Amazin Kristkin!

The Amazin Kristkin!

Story background: It's Herod's Palace, Saturday night. The warm up
ACTS have just finished and the place is hoppin. The Manager/MC goes
on stage to introduce the headliner. The crowd has been whipped up
into an eschatological frenzy. If they don't get their feature act
soon, someone is going to be crucified. Showtime!

Manager: Okay, okay. I know you're all dying for our featured act,
but first I have a few announcements to make. Next week at Herod's
Palace the always popular Balaam and his talking donkey, the world's
greatest ventriloquist act. I swear you will not be able to
see the donkey's lips moving. And the week after, back by popular
request, the number one burlesque show on the Gaza Strip, Eve West and
W.C. Snake. (Lowers voice) when she's bad she's very bad but when
she disobeys she's even better. (Wrinkles eyebrows) guys, you
might want to start working on your alibis early. (Some guys in
audience start nodding in agreement). We also have a VIP with us here
tonight. Sitting in the balcony next to our own beloved King Herod is
the Governor of this region for the mighty Roman Empire, the
honorable Pontias Pilate. Pilate stands up and waves to sparse

Voice from crowd : Caesar sucks! (Crowd laughs).

Pilate : Who said that?! (Directs Roman guards to find the source.
Entire crowd shuts up and puts on innocent faces as guards begin to
make their way through the crowd.)

Manager : Ahem. Okay, one more announcement before I introduce your
headliner tonight. Please remember to pick up your livestock
from the goat check room before you leave the Palace. We are not
responsible for any lost sheep or other animals that are left
here over night. Finally, Rebbe Yell will lead us in our pre-show,
non-sectarian prayer. (An old small Rebbe with a long white
beard comes onto the stage.)

Rebbe Yell : (All bow heads). Our gracious Father in heaven. We thank
you for the entertainment that we are about to receive and for
providing us with the gift of laughter.

All : Amen.

Manager : And now, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you,
(crowd starts to cheer) the man you've been waiting your whole lives
for. Direct from a sold out, extended stay, standing room only and
record setting performance in the Galilee. (Cheer builds) Guaranteed
to heal whatever ails you, able to get a rise out of anyone,
including the dead, a real son-of-a-god and your ticket to heaven, The
One, Only and Holy Guest, The Amazin Kristkin and Paul Saver and
The World's Most Disciplined Choir! (Thunderous applause). (Paul
leads the Disciples onto the stage on their hands and knees,
forming a large cross, with The Amazin Kristkin laying stretched
out on their backs with his hands and feet tied to their
backs). (Paul pulls out a small cross and starts leading the Disciples
in their opening number).

Disciples : (Singing) Your love, is lifting us higher, than we've
ever been lifted before.

Peter : (Solo with Disciples singing opening refrain in background)
So keep it up, quench our desire, and we'll be at your feet for ever
more. (The cross formation reaches the center of the stage and stops.
Then the top of the cross starts to elevate where Kristkin's head is.
Kristkin looks to the right and his right hand immediately becomes
untied. He looks to the left and his left hand becomes untied. He
looks down at his feet and his feet become untied. As the cross
continues to elevate he slowly and smoothly slides down to a standing
position. The Disciples remain in tiered formation, still singing the
opening number with their outside arms forward, presenting Kristkin.
The crowd goes crazy and the continuous drone of the Palace vendors
shouting "mutton on a stick" and "nice, cool wine, get your nice,
cool wine here" is temporarily drowned out.)

Kristkin : (Wearing a long, flowing, white cape and a matching white
robe with very large sleeves and an extra large, red K emblazoned on
the back of the cape with smaller red K's on his sleeves waves to
the crowd). Thank you. Thank you very much. (Blows kisses). I love you
all. (Extends and raises his right arm and a large loaf of white bread
suddenly appears by his right sleeve). (Heavy applause). (Hands loaf
of bread to a man sitting in front row). Here, pass this around.

Man : Thanks. Say, do you have any butter?

Kristkin : (Pats his vest). Um, no. Sorry. (Looks back at crowd).
Hey, it's great to be back at the Palace. I just flew in from the
Galilee today. (Lifts arms). Boy, are my arms tired! (Fuh-boom-Paul
does rim shot). (Crowd roars). I tell you the truth. Show business,
show business, it' in my blood show business. I just wish it was in
my act! (Crowd howls). (Looks and points to a small group of Roman
woman and their babies a few rows back). This must be the Caesarian
Section! (Crowd is dying). Okay, now for my first trick. (Raises left
hand and a large deck of cards appears next to his sleeve. Applause.)
I hold here in my hands all six hundred and thirteen
commandments. I will now shuffle the cards and let a member of
the crowd select one without my seeing which one it is. I will
then tell you exactly what that commandment means without knowing
which card has been taken. (Moves to a man in the front row and holds
all the cards out, written side facing away and turns his face away.
The man picks one card.) The commandment you selected means love the
Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all
your mind.(To the man) Now, read to the crowd the commandment you

Man : Thou shalt not boil a calf in its mother's milk.

Kristkin : See? (Raises arms triumphantly as crowd applauds). Thank
you. Thank you. (Waves to crowd) I love you all. (Extends and raises
both arms and loaves of white bread at one sleeve and dark bread at
the other sleeve appear. Crowd oohs and then applauds. Throws bread
into the crowd). For my next trick I was going to pull a Rabbi out of
a hat but the Rabbi died. (fuh-boom.) Okay, I am now ready to perform
a feat of magic never before seen here at Herod's Palace. I will
attempt to transform a jar of ordinary water into wine. (Raises arms
and looks upward). Paul, I'm ready. (Paul carries over a jar of rather
brown looking water and a large shroud).

Paul : (Holds up jar for audience to see). Hmmm. Looks like the
Romans put the bath lines a little too close to the sanitation lines.
(Laughter) (Places jar at Kristkin's feet and covers Kristkin with
the shroud.) (The Disciples come slowly strolling onto the stage,
wearing big, white, comfortable sweaters with the first letter of
their name stitched in red on the front, singing and snapping their
fingers to the beat).

Disciples : Kristkin just left for Chicago, turning muddy water into

Simon : (Solo with Disciples singing opening refrain in background).
He's been from Jerusalem to Egypt and all points in between. (As
Disciples continue their song there is a small amount of movement at
the bottom of the shroud and a barely audible squishing sound.)

Manager : (Peering out from the side of the stage and saying to
himself) I hate it when he does this one. I'll be up all night trying
to get the stains out of the floor.

Kristkin : (Dramatically removes shroud and raises jar up to reveal
what appears to now be wine. Heavy applause. Brings jar over to front
row to drink and then stops, raises both arms out and head upwards
and three loaves of bread simultaneously appear, one at each sleeve
and one at his collar). (Huge applause. As they are clapping half of
audience is asking "how does he do that?" and the other half are
shaking their heads saying "I don't know.") Thank you. Thank you.
(Blows kisses) I love you. I love you all. Now be sure to pass over
my bread and wine to King Herod. Eating and drinking is his second
favorite activity next to taxing the peasants. (People are doubling
over with laughter. Herod gets annoyed look on face). Actually, I
shouldn't make fun of King Herod, we go way back together. I remember
when he first opened up this Palace ten years ago and since then,
there's nothing I wouldn't do for King Herod and nothing King Herod
wouldn't do for me. And that's the way its been for ten years, we've
done nothing for each other. (People are rolling on the floor. The
look on Herod's face changes from annoyed to really annoyed.) And
now, it's time for my grand finale. Never before successfully
performed on stage. I will be placed inside a coffin with the lid
nailed shut. There will then be spears thrust through the coffin,
piercing my body and killing me. The coffin will be opened and I will
have disappeared. Then the coffin will be nailed shut again and after
three minutes I will reappear, unharmed. Paul, is everything ready?

Paul : Yes, Kristkin. (Wheels small wooden coffin onto the stage with
several round holes on each side and what appear to be blood stains
next to the holes. Crowd becomes quiet.)

Kristkin : I have here the "widowmaker" taken directly from Elijah
the Great's final performance. (Looks down) may G-d have mercy on his
soul. (Crowd starts to worry). (Climbs into coffin and as he's
closing the lid says) I'll see you in the next life. (Crowd is
becoming anxious).

Paul : (Hammers lid shut. Goes over to Roman guards and says) May I
borrow your spears? I think Kristkin has something caught between his
teeth. (Nervous laughter from crowd). (Meanwhile, the Disciples are
forming a human pyramid next to the coffin with Judas on top).

Judas : (Singing with the rest of the Disciples humming background)
Mistakes, he's made a few, cause he's not G-d, he's just a Jew.

Paul : (Placing spears into coffin but having trouble pushing them
completely through. Occasional "ow" or "ouch" can be heard from
inside the coffin.) Say, can a couple of you guards come over and
help me place these spears, I'm having some problems? (Two Roman
guards come over. The first grabs a spear that's halfway in and gives
it a forceful shove to put it all the way through. A loud "Ahhhh!" is
heard and the crowd shudders. The second guard pulls a stuck spear
back out of the coffin.)

Guard : That's not how you move a spear. This is how you move a
spear. (Backswings spear in air and then launches it forward towards
the coffin.)

Paul : (Tries to stop guard but it's too late). No, wait! Don't!
(Spear goes into coffin and becomes stuck inside. A very
loud "Aaaaaargh" is heard.)

Judas : (Finishing song). What have we learned, during our stay? Did
our good deeds, keep sin away? We kept the law, as best we may. We
did it Hisss Way.

Paul : (Starts tearing open coffin lid). Oh no. Please, no. (Manager
comes over to help. They finally get the lid open. The coffin is
empty and there is a trail of blood leading to a trap door underneath
the coffin.)

Manager : This is terrible.

Paul : You mean because Kristkin could be seriously or even fatally

Manager : No, because the act's not finished and I paid Kristkin in
advance.(Notices small, blood spattered note at bottom of coffin).
What's this? (Reads note) "I shall reappear on the exact one
hundredth anniversary of Harry Houdini's death". Who the hell is Harry

Paul : I have no idea. Damn, it took me twenty years to put this act
together. What am I supposed to do now?

Manager : (Shrugs) I don't know. Why don't you write a book about it?

Paul : Yea, right. A book, sure. (Scratches chin) Hey, wait a minute,

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